Holding Space: How to Support Others Without Trying to Fix Them
One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is your presence. Yet many of us, when faced with another person’s struggle, rush to fix it. We offer advice, solutions, or comparisons in the hope of making them feel better. But often, what people need most is not fixing — it’s space. To be seen, heard, and held without judgment or pressure.
Holding space is the practice of supporting others without taking over their experience. It’s about being present, offering empathy, and trusting that they can find their own way forward. This article explores what holding space really means, how to do it, and how it transforms relationships.
What It Means to Hold Space
Holding space is creating a safe, compassionate container for someone else’s emotions or experiences. Instead of trying to steer, solve, or rush them, you allow them to share openly at their own pace. It communicates: “I trust you. I’m here with you. You don’t need to be fixed.”
It doesn’t mean being passive — it means being actively present. Listening deeply, asking gentle questions, and resisting the urge to make it about you.
As Heather Plett, a writer who popularized the term, describes it: holding space means walking alongside someone in their journey without judging them, making them feel inadequate, or trying to control the outcome.
Support vs. Problem-Solving
Many people confuse support with solutions. Support says: “I’m here for you.” Solutions say: “Here’s what you should do.” While advice can sometimes be helpful, it often comes too soon. Jumping into problem-solving can unintentionally dismiss someone’s feelings or suggest they can’t handle it themselves.
Holding space shifts the focus from fixing problems to honoring experiences. It says, “Your feelings are valid, and you’re capable of finding your own answers.”
This doesn’t mean advice is never appropriate — it just means it’s best to ask first: “Do you want me to just listen, or would you like suggestions?” That simple question respects autonomy and choice.
Why Presence Matters More Than Solutions
Psychologists note that validation — the act of recognizing and affirming someone’s feelings — is one of the most healing human experiences. Solutions can wait. Presence communicates safety and care.
When someone feels truly heard, they often find clarity on their own. The very act of being witnessed can lighten emotional burdens.
Research in counseling and therapy shows that clients often feel relief after being heard, even before solutions are offered. The same principle applies in everyday relationships — presence itself is healing.
How to Hold Space in Practice
- Listen Fully — Give your undivided attention. Put away distractions and maintain eye contact.
- Validate Feelings — Acknowledge emotions without judgment: “That sounds really painful.”
- Ask Open Questions — Instead of “Why don’t you just…?” ask, “What feels hardest right now?”
- Allow Silence — Don’t rush to fill every pause. Silence gives space for reflection.
- Offer Empathy, Not Fixes — “I can see how much this matters to you” instead of “Here’s what I’d do.”
- Respect Their Process — Trust that they are capable, even if their path looks different from what you’d choose.
- Check Your Body Language — Leaning in, nodding, and staying relaxed communicates support without words.
- Follow Up Later — Holding space doesn’t end when the conversation does. Checking in afterward reinforces care.
Real-Life Examples
- Friendship: When Jenna went through a breakup, her best friend resisted the urge to bash the ex or offer quick fixes. Instead, she listened, hugged her, and said, “I’m here.” Jenna later said that presence was what helped most.
- Parenting: A teenager vents about school stress. Instead of lecturing, the parent says, “That sounds overwhelming. Want me to just listen, or do you want advice?” Giving the choice empowers the teen.
- Workplace: A colleague frustrated by a project deadline may not need solutions right away. Simply saying, “That sounds tough. I get why you’re stressed,” can ease tension and strengthen collaboration.
- Romantic Partnership: After a rough day, one partner might just need to vent. Saying, “I’m sorry that happened — do you want me to just listen or help brainstorm?” balances empathy with agency.
Scripts for Holding Space
- “That sounds really hard. Thank you for trusting me with it.”
- “I’m here with you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
- “Would you like me to listen right now, or are you open to ideas?”
- “Your feelings make sense, and it’s okay to feel this way.”
Mistakes to Avoid
- Jumping in Too Quickly: Offering advice before someone feels heard shuts them down.
- Centering Yourself: Shifting the focus by saying, “That happened to me too,” can minimize their unique experience.
- Minimizing Feelings: Phrases like, “It’s not that bad” or “You’ll get over it,” invalidate emotions.
- Overidentifying: Making the situation about your emotions instead of theirs.
- Judging Their Process: Thinking someone is “too emotional” or “not emotional enough” undermines trust.
How Holding Space Builds Trust
When you hold space, you demonstrate respect for someone’s autonomy. You show them that you trust their strength and wisdom. This builds deeper trust because people feel safe being their full selves with you.
Over time, relationships that include space-holding become more resilient. People feel more connected, supported, and empowered.
In fact, many people report that relationships where someone consistently holds space for them become their most valued and enduring bonds.
Final Thoughts
Holding space is not about doing nothing — it’s about doing the most important thing: being present. In a world full of noise, quick fixes, and constant advice, presence is rare and powerful.
The next time someone comes to you in pain, resist the urge to fix. Instead, listen, validate, and stay with them in their experience. Often, that’s all the healing they need.
And remember: when you hold space for others, you also learn to hold space for yourself — offering the same patience, compassion, and trust inward.
Related Article: Emotional Safety
External Resource: Heather Plett – What It Means to Hold Space